Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look mate, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."


Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"


The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed
like that?"

The cowboy says: "Well, it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red-head asks me to
go out to her motor home with her, so I did. We go inside and she pulls
off her top and she asks me to take off my shirt, which I did. Then she
pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then
she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says:
'Now go to town cowboy. . . . '
And here I am."


One day a man came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.
Pleasure is where you find it!


Tony Blair started jogging near Chequers.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Fiver!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd
really been doing on all his past outings.
He knew he'd better have a damn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the tart. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the tart yelled,
"See what you get for a fiver!!


Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: “that’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. “What’s the deal?" Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex" and she said, “Wear a Sweater."

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say....
If you farted just touching it...

you're going to sh!t yourself when you hear the price."


Post a Comment

Thank you for commenting on my blog, if you leave your URL somewhere in your comment i will visit your blog and leave a comment as well, cheers Shane.


Subscribe Now: Feed Icon

back to top. facebook. twitter. stumbleupon. digg. Rss Feed.